名師實例講解你的SAT作文差在哪兒
2013-12-08 16:19 | 編輯:川外教育 來自:未知Topic: Teaching something to another person can help you to learn or master a subject or process?
Think carefully about the issue presented in the following excerpt and assignment below.
“If you would thoroughly know anything, teach it to others. One who ceases to learn cannot adequately teach.”- Tryon Edwards, Dictionary of Thoughts
Assignment: Do you think that teaching something to another person can help you to learn or master a subject or process? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experiences, or observations.
習作修改
【一】學生習作(第一段)
Tryon Edwards took a firm stand, saying that “if you would thoroughly know anything, teach it to others. One who ceases to learn cannot adequately teach.” It means that teaching something to another people can help people learn a subject well. To me, I definitely believe it is true[1]--- teaching can make the teacher master a process better---because I have experienced and read such things in my daily life.
語言修改
Tryon Edwards took a firm stand, saying that “if you would thoroughly know anything, teach it to others. One who ceases to learn cannot adequately teach.” This means that teaching something to another person can help you to learn a subject well. To me, I definitely believe it is true---teaching can make the teacher master a process better--- because I have experienced and read such things in my daily life.
本段評點
這一段話雖然立刻表明了作者自己的立場,但是內容不飽滿,大多敘述是重復和多余的。比如,It means 這一句完全是多余的。Tryon Edwards說的話本來很明白,淺顯,不用再解釋一遍;蛘,可以說自己的那句解釋,但是不用引用Tryon Edwards的那句話。
【二】學生習作(第二段)
At the age of fifteen, I was a student of senior one[2]. Because I always got high scores in mathematics, physics and English, my class teacher arranged a student who did not get high scores in mathematics, physics and English and she wanted me to help the student improve her grades. After class, she often asked me some questions. I explained them patiently to her. However, when I taught her the lessons, I surprisingly found that I, myself, also had some obscure ideas of some points. In order to make both my deskmate and me clearly, I reviewed my book, went to the teachers’ office to ask my teacher and put the question to my classmates.[3] Thus, I comprehensively mastered the knowledge and managed to tell it to my deskmate. During my teaching days, not only my deskmate but also I increased the test scores.
語言修改
At the age of fifteen, I was a senior middle school student. Because I always scored [4]high in mathematics, physics and English, my teacher arranged for me to help a student who did not score so high in these classes. After class, she often asked me some questions. I explained them patiently to her. However, when I taught her the lessons I was surprised to find out that some ideas were obscure to me as well.[5] In order to clearly understand the points in question for myself and my classmate, I reviewed the text and consulted my teacher. Thus, I was able to master the knowledge and teach it to my classmate. While tutoring[6], both my classmate and I were able to increase our test scores.
本段評點
這一段舉了自己幫助后進同學的例子,敘述比較清楚。不過句式比較單調,例如以I做主語的句子比較多。另外,有些意思的表述不夠準確、地道。
【三】學生習作(第三段)
“Teaching and learning promote each other” is a famous saying by Confucius, the greatest educationist and philosophy in China. The proverb demonstrates that teaching helps others master a subject, as well as make the teacher learn a process. Here is an instance. In Chunqiu Dynasty, Confucius had numerous students. When he was teaching, his students always raised questions.[7] These questions make Confucius to rethink them thoroughly. After he was able to consider them utterly, he told his students how to think of the problems. Therefore, Confucius learnt a lot and wrote it down in his book.
語言修改
“Teaching and learning promote each other” is a famous saying by Confucius, the greatest educator and philosopher in China. This proverb demonstrates that teaching not only helps others master a subject but benefit the teacher himself. For instance, during the Spring and Autumn[8] period, Confucius had numerous students. While teaching, his students raised many questions which made Confucius rethink them carefully. After he was able to consider them utterly, he told his students how to think of the problems. Confucius probably benefited a lot from these questions and wrote down his thoughts in his book.
本段評點
這一段舉孔子的例子立意很好,但是最后一句話有邏輯問題. 孔子的學生問了很多問題,促使他再三思考。于是他就學到很多東西。以上的兩句話有點邏輯問題。其實,不能從學生問了很多問題就得出結論說孔子學了很多東西。更合理的寫法是:孔子的學生問了很多問題,而他本人也往往是通過回答這些問題來闡述自己的思想。也許,孔子作為老師也得益于這些問題,因為學生的問題促使他再三思考。這可能是他說出“教學相長”的原因。還有一個知識性的問題, 孔子并沒有把他和學生的問答寫進書里, 他的思想都是他的學生和后人記錄的。
【四】學生習作(第四段)
Generally speaking, not only can teaching educate students but also can it help teachers themselves to master a subject and a process comprehensively.
語言修改
Generally speaking, teaching not only educates students but can also help teachers to comprehensively master a subject or process.
本段評點
最后一段非常蒼白無力,只是簡單重復了第一段的觀點。全文的亮點只是在中間兩段中提供了兩個較為具體的例子。最后一段只要不跑題,不多余地提出新的觀點就可以。簡單重復第一段完全沒有必要。
習作總評
本文邏輯清晰,思路明確。文章共分四段,開頭、結尾、中間兩個理由段,分別舉了兩個例子。第一個例子是自己的經歷,第二個例子是中國古代的思想家、教育家孔子。本文的開頭段有些問題,題目抄了一遍,是浪費篇幅?扇≈幵诘谝欢伪砻髁俗约旱牧,而且提醒了讀者本文將根據自己的閱讀和親身經歷來展開論證。如果最后一段再能不單純重述,有一個點睛之筆,就會更好了。
值得一提的是其中第二個例子比較有特色,本文第三段上來引用的是孔子著名的教育理論:Teaching and learning promote each other,中文譯為“教學相長”。這段采用的是名人名言導入法。所謂名人名言導入法就是通過引用名人名言來引出自己的觀點。名人名言導入法不僅使作者想表達的意思簡明扼要,而且還能起到畫龍點睛的作用,使文章增加了不少趣味性和可讀性。不過,SAT作文中所引用的名言,一定要貼切主題,并且不要出現(xiàn)知識性錯誤。本文所引用的名人名言就非常貼近主題。
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[1] To me, I definitely believe it is true. 不僅有語病,也是多余的。
[2] 這里不應該用one,因為此處在無上文的情況下,one無法指代清楚。One用于強調或突出:I don’t want the green apple. Give me the red one. One 還可以用于指出一類中的某一事物:Mary is one of my close friends. 如果說高中的高年級的學生,可以說high school senior。
[3] 這句話的后半句太啰嗦,而且結構很散,可以把它們合并成一個并列結構,并用上consult這個詞。
[4] Score還可用作動詞是應該知道的用法。下面兩個例句中的score都作動詞。例如:A new rule requires a team to try to score within a brief time. They gave the other team a chance to score two or three points in a short period of time.
[5] 原文Surprisingly found that這種說法不是地道的英語,表達某人驚奇于某事可以用someone is surprised to find …或it surprises somebody to see/find/know etc.
[6] 這里用tutoring而不用teaching是因為這個小孩自己不是老師,所以沒有教授頭銜的,但是他確實在教另外一個同學,稱為tutor。
[7] 這里的questions和下一句開頭的these questions指的都是孔子弟子提出的問題,沒必要分成兩個句子,這樣還容易造成these questions指代不清。用一個定語從句,意思既清楚又簡潔,結構也緊湊。
[8] 不論是引用中國的還是外國的例子,最好要會拼寫。這就要靠平時多寫一些例子,在寫例子的時候把拼寫搞清楚。一個例子往往可以適應好幾個題目,所以寫例子是效率很高的SAT作文復習方法.
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